Day Four

Grrr... That is it!  I am packing up my things and I am moving on!  Last night I met an old high school friend for some drinks.  I was so bored that I would have gone just about anywhere, but as it happened, he called me, and we arranged to meet at a local watering hole.  We had a few pints, shared a few laughs, then had some more.  By the time he suggested that we go down to an old hangout, a hidden beach on the river, I was more than tipsy enough to assent.  The path was tricky to navigate at night.  I had been wearing heals, and my bear feet suffered much abuse at the hands of the roots and rocks that rose from the trail in scattered protrusions.  At one point we had to cross a creek, so I grabbed ahold of my friend, and we rather intimately clambered over rocks and waded through the stream together.  

Arriving at the beach, we sat down in the sand, I dangling my naked feet in the water, he following my example.  The conversation turned to the topic of old lovers, which of course, combined with alcohol and two bored and lonely people, can be a most dangerous cocktail.  Around this time, my buzz wore off enough for me to realize what I was doing.  I also began to notice my accelerated heartbeat and the nervous tightness in my chest.  We reached a pause in the conversation, and my friend tried to hold my hand.  I panicked, withdrawing quickly.  "I'm sorry," I muttered, embarrassed.  I hadn't disliked the feeling.  A few more drinks and I probably would have permitted him all kinds of excesses.  I simply couldn't escape the feeling that it was a bad idea.  This was backwards progress.  To quote Lou Reed, "You're still doing the things I gave up years ago."  No hard feelings, I told him, but I would be leaving town soon enough now and I just didn't see it going anywhere.  He was polite and understanding, and we walked back together, this time separated by immeasurable distance and silence.

When I got home and fell in to bed, I felt a deep dissatisfaction.  I think that this is a watershed.  I'm giving myself four days to get my act together and then I am hopping on a train and I will seek out adventure and consume it no matter how desperately it tries to evade me.  

Good night.